Rhoid Rage

Ok......this is THE subject that got me to thinking about a blog....Hemorrhoids!!  I have 'em......had them as long as I've had my oldest child so that makes my "friends in my end" almost 21 years old.  I have a terrible habit of camping out on the toilet.  I always have.  As the mother of three, the toilet is the only room in my house with a lock, a fan for white noise, and a whole stash of magazines!!!  A mother's sanctuary.......Growing up, my dad would stay in the bathroom for HOURS....we only had one.  Most folks did in the 70's....it wasn't until the 80's that everyone wanted to add 17 bathrooms to their homes....I'm glad they did.  However, if you go to my mom's house today....you'll STILL be waiting for someone in the house to end their battle with the bubble guts.
    I can remember being a small child and peeing behind a tree in the backyard because my dad refused to come out of the toilet!!  He had a master plan too.....take his pants off and hang them ten feet away on the door, grab a magazine and settle in for a long winter's hibernation.  Why is it that your bladder is fine until someone goes to use the bathroom? All of a sudden, you feel like you've had 17 Big Gulps and a whole watermelon!!
    At any rate, the joys of natural childbirth, gave me an extra clitoris at the age of 20!  Now...before you say eeeyyyyeewww....I WARNED YOU!  This is blog is going to tackle the things we don't like to talk about!  If you have RHOIDS....then you know that sometimes your rooter looks like your tooter....ugh.  I even had one lover have the nerve to call it "his friend."  My ahem....situation....likes to hang out all the TIME but if I'm on my feet for long periods....it just wants to drop all the way south.  They are painful...sometimes they like to itch! And if you are having "an episode..." forget having sex!!  The hardest thing in the world is to figure out how to unclog your thong from the clutches of the beast!!!
    My mother, a nurse, who evidently has her own tag along.....likes to tell me to either take my finger or a warm washcloth and "push 'em back up in dere.." Gee...thanks, Ma!  Just what I want to do.  Don't let me go to work with a thong on....by the end of the night, one thing is tangled in the other. And baby wipes are a MUST...for some reason, not having a normal butt hole, leaves tons of room for turd crumbs.  Take my word for it......don't wait to find out for yourself.  The worst thing in the world is going to the bathroom, pulling down your thong and seeing what's been hanging out all day in your crack!!  (Please don't act like grown men are the only ones that can't wipe their asses.....)
   For RHOID sufferers, I find some Vaseline before going to the bathroom helps to ease out things so that some pressure can be taken off your anus......not the planet, your ass. The last thing you want to do when having hemorrhoids is take a dump but it is a must. It relieves pressure on your behind.........Surgery is an option.  I have a weightlifter friend that had it done and vaguely remember my brother having it performed.  My brother was a mechanic so he lifted heavy engines and parts all day. My weightlifter friend?...well, I THINK he's straight....lol. Just kidding, he got them from squats.  As for me, I'm getting too old to continue to suffer so surgery may be on the horizon for me.  If it is, you KNOW I would have plenty to write about.
    Please don't let me even get started on the intimates that want to try anal sex....(sorry, exit only here), play with my ass or stick their finger in there and explore. Usually, we just screw around the elephant in my ass, er I mean, in the room and act like you don't see the alien lurking at the back door.  Deep in the back of my mind, when I'm bent over a bed, chair or car hood (don't judge me) I am usually wondering if they're looking at my ass or my main man back there, hanging out like he's enjoying a day at the beach. It is a deep seeded shame and only my most intimate partners and I have ever discussed it. If a man knows about it, he is more likely to understand when I don't want to be bothered with sex.
   The bottom line is, it is not OK to suffer unnecessarily.  This has gone on too long and I can have a better life with surgery.  I'm sure its simple but the thought of my ass in the air while folks are looking to cut off my lover's "friend" leaves me a lil apprehensive.  Will they shave my butt?  Will I have to have an enema? How cool will it be to lose the enema weight?  How uncool would it be to have hair regrowing around my butt thole?  I'm sure the surgery cannot compare to the sufferings I have endured for twenty years.  I was so swollen after my second child, I didn't have a bowel movement for .....(are you ready?).....THREE WEEKS after I gave birth!  Now that is RIDICULOUS......don't follow in my footsteps.  Albeit, my son's head took three days and countless drugs to come out of my virginia, but to hold toxins in my body for that long because of pain.....not OK.  Today, my son is a brilliant 10 year old with a large brain..(the big head keeps it safe.) and my asshole is still a thing of contention in my life.
     If I say it out loud, then I can erase the shame and no longer suffer in silence!!! I hope you will find the courage to as well. Maybe one day, I can have a beautiful porn star asshole...unitl that day, I am That Brown Girl....and I have hemorrhoids!!