I never wanted my life to be this way....some days its so empty that its almost too much to bear. My ex-husband left four years ago. The story behind that is way too long to put here.....he just had an affinity for new vaginae...every so many months it seemed, he would test out a new one. We were together for over ten years and some days I wonder if he was ever faithful. When you've been burned bad enough, the scars are sometimes too much to overcome, so here I sit. Downsized in every aspect of my life. The house we built together, he now shares with his latest girlfriend. The two children we had together are away for the summer at his parents' home. When they are here, I have the joy of raising the most brilliant, happy lil dudes ever birthed---two to five days a week! We share custody and I have gradually let go of the bitter thoughts of another woman raising my children.
I didn't have my children to raise them HALF the time. Maybe I am selfish. I got lucky and raised my only daughter on my own. Her father chose to put all his energy into his second wife and their sons. I had the pleasure of bringing up the beautifully, talented this-is-the-best-part-of-him that is my daughter. But as a woman, we often make the mistake of thinking our families have to be our identities. When my children are away, I feel lost. Pointless. The quiet in this tiny apartment is deafening. At the ripe old age of 41, I feel as though I will never find love again and while I know this is probably not true, its hard to feel otherwise.
Let's examine my options. In the last few years since my separation and divorce, I have met Mr. I'll-give-you-the-world-just-don't-tell-anyone-we-know-each other, Mr. Twelve-years-younger, Mr. Insecure-I-need-to-know-you-love-me-every-second-of-the-day, Two Mr. Marrieds, Mr. Crazy, Mr. Hornball, Mr. Loud-wearing-a-tank-top-and-can't-pick-up-the-check-on-the-first-date, Mr. Physically-violent, and Mr. All-I-want-you-to-really-do-is-come-give-me-a-blowjob-and-leave!!! Ohhh ladies, its so hard to be positive. I know one day, I will look back on this and laugh but its not a bit damned funny right now.
After my husband left, I joined a gym, lost fifty-five lbs and locked my hair. I went to counseling and began to love myself and my girlfriends. In all honesty, I have never felt or looked sexier in my life. Herein lies one of the problems. I already had an undeniable zest for life. I still love roller coasters, travelling and dancing in the streets. Most men my age are either married, bitter or old beyond their years. And personally, I am just not interested in dating a man in his late twenties or early thirties. I have had my children. I don't want anymore. I want to share a life with someone that already has a pretty great one, not build one with someone who isn't sure of what they want to do just yet. I wish to have someone my age that is just as happy with their cards as I am.
Now.....if you want to piss me off, tell me that I am not grateful for what I have, simply because I acknowledge what I do not. I recognize God's blessings in my life, but I also know where I've been. While my former life was a facade, family vacations, going to the movies or having hot breath on your neck at night were just not mere images conjured up from my imagination. When I see couples snuggled together watching fireworks on the Fourth of July, I simply want to vomit in their hair. Is that wrong? Of course it is. It is also human, to hate what someone else has, simply because you don't have it and secretly desire it for yourself.
So, the way I see it, speak into existence those things you want. Here goes...my love must
1. Have never touched a penis other than his own, for pleasure purposes man.
2. Be a great sensual lover that listens to my body, heart and voice as to what I want and can communicate the same.
3. take care of me when I'm sick, old, dying, deaf or blind.
4. possess great sense of humor.
5. love to eat because I love to cook.
6. be interested in politics, world travel, charity and compassion for fellow man.
7. not be bigoted, racist or classist.
8. love children and actively want to participate in creating lovely adults.
9. cherish monogamy...(does anyone, anymore?)
10. have ambition and never be complacent.
11. most importantly, fear God and have a relationship with Him.
I think that's it. I'm sure I will think of more when I log off the computer. I know there is someone out there that is INTERESTED in finding me. Don't give up. If you are reading this and you identify, begin to live....get out of the house. The only person that is going to find you in your home is the cable guy....and I don't know anyone that is interested in that much ass crack. If no one will date you, date yourself. Go to an open mic or a movie....(when the lights go down, no one knows you're flying solo with popcorn in your teeth.) Create friendships or nurture the ones you have. Many think I am a lesbian because my girlfriend and I are so tight. Uh.....I don't think I'll try that....just yet. Above all, take care of yourself. No one wants someone that no one else would want!!! Writing, that helps me. Find what inspires you. Try something new....you may just meet a date at a golf lesson or boat show. (Hey aim high!! Men who own boats and play golf....I'm just sayin!) I wish you a fun and std free search for love. Be open....you never know where love may find you. Now I'm going to call my cable company...;)
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